Apathetic Anxiety

Updated: Oct 13, 2020

There exists in every being a culmination of several worlds and influences unseen by novice peers. It is true: even an inventor does not owe their own success to themselves; rather, there are centuries of human development and miniscule advancements to which they owe such excellence. There is no genius in and of themselves- rather, there are minor players and major players in an all-together collective advancement of the human race. Answer me this: have you ever watched one human in a second exist as a novice and then as a professional in any field ever? Neither have I.

My several mental illnesses, my suicidal thoughts, my apathy, my despair- it is either to trust something outside of myself or to end myself. Isn’t that the final choice? Do we cling to the unreliable emotion, knowledge, experiences of ourselves, or do we fall on some external source which centralizes, supports, and sustains the endless “meaninglessness.” For those who do not externalize or reject themselves early on, we all face this decision. We all choose ourselves, nothingness, or trust in something unknown. It is not crazy to be crazy. It is not unreasonable to fall into the relentless nanoseconds of every experience we have ever faced- and to be unable to make anything of it. There is only one way that man has successfully escaped himself. Will you do it?

There is a sense of anger that emerges with a certain loss of control in this realization. It manifests as we notice that something is always happening (and whether or not we have any control over it at all becomes unclear). We filter our understanding of experiential connections. We process the things that have kept us from where we wanted to go and taken us to where we didn’t. We understand at a certain point in our lives that we cannot escape everything that has ever happened- whatever happens- to us. Everywhere we go, our existence goes with us. We are bound to what we desire to escape most and so we react in surplus. Our brains go into overdrive and our instincts fight to destroy-flee from the experience that threatens us. Our physical is the same as our mental. Neurons fire, chemicals are released, and we ultimately crash into ourselves. What do we do when the threat that our bodies are protecting us from is ourselves? Completely illogical- yet biologically logical- things. Everything clashes inside of us. We attack ourselves and protect ourselves from ourselves. This is when we look for the closest out- or this is when we completely surrender ourselves to something external. 

Who can survive a torment like this? It seems ineffective- non-efficient- that anyone would. Yet we do. Constantly, those peers that are so affected but that you will never know, over and over again survive this illogical clash with themselves. When did we create this survival instinct? There is something special about the ones who have survived this phenomenon several times; it's as if nothing can take away their life. Those who have already existed through major self-inflicted crises are the ones who can stare into oncoming headlights unphased. They can see the cruelest of what humans are capable of and experience no emotion- the brain cannot muster the shock. These people have the ability to sit in one place and separate from everyone and everything. They have the ability to be in one place because they lack the ability to care about anywhere else. But they also have the ability to place every experience of hope into anyone who sees them, because they must externalize their hope.

Hannah Reid

Social Science Student, Grace University

Grand Rapids, MI

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