*CONTENT WARNING: CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE AND VIVID DESCRIPTIONS OF SELF HARM”
Last week was hard and I felt buried in a sea of and by my thoughts. I’m using poetry to sort though those thoughts I was having and to process how I overcame it all.
Every time I closed my eyes last week
I heard “Shoot yourself in the head.”
I was wanting desperately to live,
but all I thought about was being dead.
I taught police on Friday about how caring
for themselves is important for their job.
I think that some of them listened, but
in the end, I think I bombed.
I felt like such a loser.
Everything around me in dis’ray.
I was struggling to manage everything
in every single way.
Then Saturday I got up and thought,
“The end of this must come.
I needed to give myself a limit
to all this gloom and glum.”
I told my self that at noon
I would stop this pity living.
So I granted myself just 4 more hours
to finish this self-shitting.
I told my best friends and mentor
what I’d planned to do,
and that at noon o’clock
I’d be doing something new.
A Great Reset is what I planned.
A boundary to my grief.
A place on the clock or calendar
where I’d get up on my own two feet.
Ya see…
It is easy for me to wallow
To get stuck in this personal fight.
But I’ll never get anything else done,
if I don’t wrestle for what is right.
I know I have a tendency
to let emotions rule the day.
But I’ve been reading the Bible, in Proverbs,
that Understanding’s a better way.
It says that Wisdom’s powerful
and that Knowledge is a strong tower.
“I get it, Emotions are important,”
but, man, they’re sucking all my power.
So at 12 o’clock the time had come
for me to shed the weights.
Of the baggage of emotion
I’d been carrying for days.
It was strange how ready I was
and excited to switch things up
I was like a coiled spring. Anticipation building.
Noon hit and then I jumped.
My friends and my mentor texted.
One even brought a gift.
To encourage and to check on me
They got it…
That that struggle was too much for me to lift.
I’ve been reading a lot about “hurry” recently.
I’ve known there is something amiss.
Our culture is in a fast lane
And it’s messing with our bliss.
Every day I need to reset,
to give all the stress and fear away.
I need to know, remember, acknowledge I’m doing my best
each and every day.
This week I became a grandpa.
Grandpa Joe is what I’m being called.
I played the song “You make me happy” written by a friend
and when I held her… I just balled.
There’s a lot of stuff behind me
that’s wanting me to look back.
Emotions, failures, and sin.
These things won’t cut me any slack.
Sure, I know I’m flawed
and broken among the best.
But if that is where I focus
I’ll forget just how much I’m blessed.
It has struck me so often the last few days
how it’s easy to forget the good.
When you’re wallowing in self pity,
it gets worn just like a hood.
But I do have so much,
much more than I’d ever hoped.
It’s this “wanting more” mentality
that’s really had me doped.
So, I come before you this evening
scared of my flaws and scared to try.
But with courage and godly strength
I’m moving forward…not fuckin’ gonna die.
I’ll keep showing up because I’m learning
this stuff I’m doing isn’t some movie or a show
I’m not some super human, with turtle powers
My name, my legacy…just call me Joe.
And if all I do from here to death
is love my neighbor and love God,
I’m starting to realize, to grasp and learn
That this is the greatest thing I’ve got.
Joseph Reid 2024
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