by Lerae Drayton 2024
Today someone asked me if writing a post sharing my struggles could help me by possibly helping someone else. So, this is my attempt to share and support.
Currently, I'm in a place where multiple things have been added to my plate: difficulties with both my emotional and physical health. These are two very full and flooded plates with no way to consume any of it fast enough to find the light of hope.
In August I experienced a family loss, several financial losses, a relationship loss along with some health concerns. One concern... possible cancer. The other was kidney stones that will require surgery in the near future.
These things are heavy and have sent me into a spiral where I can only see darkness and think of death. It's not a pretty sight. It's NOT a comfortable place to be.
I've tried distract myself from the pain; from the fear, anger, and a myriad of other emotions. I've been talking to someone safe and admitted I'm in a dark place. I have played games on my phone, read a fictional book, and eaten some healthy and not so healthy things. I even allowed tears to well up in my eyes, but didn't let them fall. I did end up crying myself to sleep. I'm losing control!
I fight to hold back the tears because everything else seems out of control and that, at least, is one thing I can control.
I wish things were different for me. If you can relate, I wish things were different for you, too! Sometimes the life-floods come and we sit and watch with joy and then... sometimes, with fear, anger, and sadness. My floods of joy were having children, grandchildren, my friends and, somewhere in there, God and Faith.
My floods of fear are the subjects I started this article with: death, loss, health scares, and financial struggles. My hope is that these recent floods stop and recede quickly. I can't build a dam with a flood gate in a day to remove these things from my emotional plates that keep spilling over into a raging catastrophic event, but I can start building in hope that maybe tonight I can find that tiny drop of that hope and peace along with comfort as I sit alone. And...I may be physically alone, but I know there are others like me that travel the darkness and those that find their way into the light. I am not there yet, but I will walk in the darkness with you in hopes that we can fight these floods together.
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