I can't speak for all human beings, but the weight gain definitely exacerbated my depression. Recently, I realized that I measured my worth based on many aspects, but the main issue that I have within myself is my outward appearance. At the beginning of the pandemic, everyone was faced with many challenges and one of those challenges included working from home. During that time, I managed to accumulate forty pounds of unwanted weight. The gyms were closed, I began focusing on all the negatives in my life and I chose to eat. I ate whole cheesecakes, cupcakes, and whatever else I desired. This drastic change in my appearance caused depression. How could I allow myself to spiral out of control in this manner? Before the pandemic I considered myself a beast in the gym, but now I just feel like a beast. I really did not want anyone to see me because in my eyes I had gotten huge. I hated myself from the inside out. I have always felt that I wasn't good enough; even as a teenager, but now I feel that my worth is limited to the number on the scale. My thoughts include but are limited to, my face is too fat, my stomach overlaps, I’m hideous. I keep telling myself that these words are just a trick of the enemy; he wants you to feel bad about yourself to deter you from your purpose.
I divorced in 2019 and was actually feeling optimistic about what my future held. Lately, with the weight gain, I have been feeling like I could not possibly find anyone to love me; not being the weight I am now. In contrast, why wouldn't anyone love me? Then my thoughts shift again. How could anyone else see my worth when I couldn't see past the fat? In essence, if I don't love myself; how could I possibly love another or expect anyone to love me. Overthinking is my least favorite pastime; however my most constant companion.
Fast forward to December 2020, my worst year thus far. I lost my aunt on December 15, 2020 and the closest person in the world to me on December 16, 2020. One day apart. This changed my entire existence. I went from eating nothing for weeks to eating everything that I could; just to feel. At least; that’s what I tell myself. Now I have to deal with the aftermath of my poor eating habits. I’m fat! Being fat does not change the person that I am inside or does it? Then I ask myself who can see the inside; if I hate that part of myself, as well. I definitely continue to struggle with self esteem issues and depression, on a daily basis. However, my mindset has shifted. I now seek to lose weight to be a healthier version of myself. I have now been consistently eating healthier and going to the gym for one month. I have not yet lost any weight, but I have definitely lost inches. I have to continue to persevere and endure for those that depend on me the most. Despite the negative thoughts, the poor self image and worth, I must keep this thought in mind. “My worth is not contingent on other people’s perceptions. If you can’t see me please, look in the other direction”. CM