My name is Alexis Regnier, (Pronounced: Ren-Yay).
I am 38, married for almost 16 years with 3 children.
ALL 3 are autistic and on different levels from VERY high functioning to severe.
Growing up in 2 separate households was difficult and emotionally draining. In 2010 I was diagnosed CPTSD because I was raped by my first cousin when I was 9. Molested for 7 years by that same cousin, 2 other first cousins and 2 of my 4 brothers. A month and a half ago was officially diagnosed with ADHD and generalized Anxiety disorder.
These things don't define me;
however, they are still part of who I am and plays a VERY big role in how I act and react to people. I didn't know what I could do with the (what I know now to be) intrusive thoughts, nightmares, agitation over seemingly small things. Extreme honesty when asked a question, not knowing really how to "spare people's feelings", or even something like keeping eye contact, showering, brushing my teeth can be overwhelming some days. Feeling like the world was falling apart if someone yelled at me, becoming completely overwhelmed if I was anywhere with more than 5 people at a time. Feeling out of place in social settings. I found it difficult to understand why are the emotions that EVERYONE on the planet feels and experience was taboo for me to express.
I still struggle with these things. I'm quite literal, I don't read between the lines initially. But I've come to be calm in all of my turmoil by moving away from anything that moves. I've found comfort in confronting my feelings. The good, the bad and the stinky, ugly ones too. Through years of therapy, I've discovered that the issue isn't me; it's neurotypical people who don't consider the world of the mentally ill, injured or neurodivergent communities. I'm learning to walk away from toxic people and their toxic behaviors with no consideration of relation, length of time I've known them, or any other orientation. I've made a decision to put me and my whole well being before considering any and all other things and/or people.
I STRONGLY believe we are put here to be servants; however, not at the cost of losing me in the process. I determined although people tend to treat me terribly even after I've done SO MUCH for them, used to break me into pieces. Now... it still hurts - a lot; but, it doesn't break me and it certainly doesn't change how I treat the next person that comes in my life. Even after my relatives put their heads in the sand when I told them about what some of the relatives did to me; I'd made a conscientious decision to permanently leave them behind as if they didn't exist.
Yes, it was difficult at first, but I knew it was my moral character from what I was taught growing up. Then, my proper reasoning came in with the clutch and as I took out day by day, I hardly ever even think of them and I'm better for it.
I would like to let you know that you too can be free from all of the things that have you bound.
Decide to keep going.
Yes, it's going to hurt, it's going to feel uncomfortable, it will leave you feeling like you're in a tale spin. But, you'll have to go through pain to remind you of your own mortality to give you an opportunity to try again the next day AND to give yourself a front row seat at how the body heals itself and the miracle of your existence and the journey of healing and self discovery.
I shouldn't be here. I took so much medication I felt my heart slowing down, I felt me drifting and all I could think of was my children, my husband and all of the people I've not helped yet. The person who was bullied and abused at home and at school and at church- just like me. To remind you that:
you're amazing,
you're loved,
you're worth fighting for,
you're worthy of love, of forgiveness, of tenderness.
You're pretty damn awesome.
In ALL of your "isms", imperfections and something I call "The Phoebe Boufé effect", you know, the beautiful, weird, quirky, lovable you. So, understand that you don't have to fit your puzzle piece into other people's puzzle. There's a puzzle out there with jagged edges and oddly shaped parts that fits you perfectly. You're enough. I love you and I mean that. Take care of yourself FIRST.