Love with OCD

Sixteen years ago, my ex-wife left me and she left me for good. She left me because of things I did along with how hard it was to live with me while I suffered from mental illness. My OCD had made me someone who just could not be tolerated. She was more than justified in leaving but I never in a million years knew what I would soon deal with, a lifetime of loneliness. I remember several Christmases sitting alone thinking, next year when the holiday comes around I will be with someone. Year after year after year I waited. I had made several improvements to how I lived and how I dealt with my OCD. I can also assure you that no one loved me more than me. It took a few years but I became someone I was proud of and I absolutely had value, so that's not what this is about. So, I did that little dance every Christmas for 14 years. Next year will be different. But it never was. I finally, after so many years of being alone, had gotten myself back into a relationship. We were not right for each other but we did it anyway. It felt so good to not be alone anymore, you have no idea. Christmas came along and bad weather kept us from being together. I wanted so desperately to celebrate Christmas with someone but it was never meant to be. She wasn't the one anyway and by the following Christmas, we were split up for good. We were together for a year and a half but we both belonged somewhere else with someone else. At least she did. Several months later I heard she had moved in with her new boy friend while I continued to stew by myself. I really do hope she found happiness because it would never have happened with me.

All I've ever wanted was to fall in love and be happy in a relationship. That's all I ever dreamed of my whole life. Besides the 7 years I was with my ex wife and the year I had this latest girlfriend, I have been alone. Can you imagine being alone for the majority of your adult life? Never sharing intimate meaningful moments with anyone? Going 5 plus years without a kiss or without someone holding my hand? Having every woman I've ever loved want nothing to do with me? Now I know what you're thinking. If so many women hate me, it must be me. And maybe it is. Honestly that’s a discussion for a different day but I have spent countless hours analyzing my role in my loneliness. But I've worked hard as hell to become better every single day and I’ve accomplished a lot while learning several harsh lessons from my mistakes. So, I don't buy that it’s all my fault. God decided a long time ago that Scott Shirey was going to be alone and he hasn't wavered. And I've had friends and I've had family so I guess I should consider myself lucky, but it’s not enough. I've got a lot of friends who have gotten divorced. They have gone through tough times but it didn't last for any of them. They all found someone. And honestly, I'm happy for them. I don't want my friends to be like me. It's just that I wonder when is it my turn? Lord knows I've tried! I have put myself out there a million times and literally shot my shot into the thousands. The raw data of how many rejections I have been given is earth shattering. You really couldn't fathom it. I have been knocked down and when I got up I was horse hoofed in the solar plexus every time. I get a win every now and again but NOTHING ever lasts. Not ever. I’m not looking for sympathy and yeah maybe I’m playing the victim here but this is my blog and I can cry if I want to. After years of rejection and chasing the wrong dreams with the wrong girls and giving everything I've got, I am at a complete loss. But it’s come a time that I have to let all of this go. I can't carry it anymore.

A few weeks ago, I asked my older brother if he ever thought I would find love. My brother whose wife left him a broken mess, has found love again with someone new. So, I figured that he has done it, maybe he can give me some advice. He thought long and hard about the question and took days to answer it. He sent me an email where he broke down all of the challenges I face including my physique, career success/failure, my OCD and even my anger. After he did this, he basically answered me by saying all that I face is insurmountable but If I can make huge changes then maybe just maybe I could find someone and be happy. I’m all for self-improvement and am always looking for ways to enhance my value. But I’m tired of this. It shouldn't be this hard. I’m going to hit you with some reality because God knows after reading this , people will make me do the same. We have all had tough times and lost loves. But most of the people I know have never had to stand on their own for decades like me. They have someone that loves them. They have a love of their life whereas I on the other hand, do not. That’s a bitter pill to swallow to know that I am 45 years old and I don't have a love of my life. What a painful lonely existence. Most people couldn't imagine.

All this said, I didn't write this for anyone but me. I need to let go of this in the worst way. This blog entry is for exactly that. I'm not looking for tears, sympathy or advice. This is me saying goodbye to this yearning. I'm going to be successful and accomplish my goals and I have to accept that I will do this alone. So tomorrow I'm going to wake up and for once not have the same mission in life since my ex wife left me 16 years ago. I just want to put this to bed. Thanks for checking this out. It feels good to get this off my chest. If you want to share thoughts or make fun of me, is my email. Feel free to say hello.

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