From my earliest memories, I sensed I was different.
Fear, a constant companion, haunted me, whether alone or in a crowd. The nagging feeling that I wasn't good, pretty, or worthy enough was a persistent storm in my mind that eventually turned into a dark battlefield, and the enemy I was fighting was my own mind. I became a victim of my own mind, which distorted reality and amplified every emotion. This internal battle, this struggle with my own mind, became a defining journey of navigating my Borderline Personality Disorder.
At an early age, I developed coping mechanisms. Food became my ammunition, and then it became drinking, drugs, and toxic relationships. To keep fighting, I withstood the battlefield by posing as something I wasn't - I became a master at wearing masks for every situation, as though I could shield myself from judgment and from myself. But behind these masks, I hid my vulnerabilities, fears, and insecurities. This fight consumed every fiber of my being. The intense fear of abandonment heightened my mood swings, turning ordinary moments into epic struggles. I felt like a soldier, deluded into thinking everyone was against me. Living a lifetime in this darkness, I never thought I would see anything different or imagined there would be a glimmer of hope – but a grace beyond myself, a circle of angels, and a turtle-loving man named Joe from Michigan who, with his group Broken People, became beacons of light in my journey.
As I embark on this daunting journey, I fear exposing myself to a world that often seems harsh and unforgiving. But I'm learning I was living a half-life and have so much more to live. There
are still many days when a simple disagreement feels like the end of the world, but then there are others when the smallest victories make this journey worth it. It's in the small victories that I cherish life. The days when I navigate a disagreement without losing myself, when I recognize distorted thoughts and gently guide myself back to reality, are the triumphs that embody the light.
Living with BPD is a constant process of self-discovery and resilience. It's about embracing the complexities of my mind, navigating the storm with grace, and finding moments of serenity in the midst of chaos. Through therapy, the support of my circle of angels, and self-compassion, I've learned that the fight may rage, but so does my strength. I'm not just a survivor but a resilient soul, learning to find beauty in the light.
From personal experience, know that you are not alone. Be brave and open your heart, for you, too, have a circle of angels to help you see the light. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call 1-800-950-6264, text "Friend" to 62640, email helpline@nami.org to connect with someone or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org.
